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The Lair of Dragonwiles
fanfictions both comedic and serious
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Haruhi's mad quest for espers, time travelers, and aliens drags her friends into the fantastic land of Konan. A crossover and gentle parody of both Fushigi Yugi and The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, with special guest stars from Naruto.
The following disclaimer shall be construed so as to apply to all the fanfiction. The author does not own, and does not claim to own, anything copyrighted, trademarked, or otherwise owned by anyone else. The author does not claim to own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or Fushigi Yugi or Naruto, their characters or events or jokes or concepts or dialogue, despite any usage of the above. All intellectual properties, copyrights, trademarks, and other items are the property of their respective owners.
This story is set after the conclusion of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya and is likely to spoil that story. It will also likely spoil some parts of Fushigi Yugi.
The Fushigi Yugi of Haruhi Suzumiya
Chapter 1: Book
Hello. My name is Kyo, and I'm in my second year of high school. It's a pleasure to meet you, even though you probably won't believe a word of what I've got to tell.
Please don't misunderstand- I don't blame you at all. If I were you, I wouldn't believe it either, and even as I'm telling it, I'm still not sure I believe it. Some people would say that's a sign of mental imbalance, but after some time, I've come to regard it as a hazard of hanging around with Haruhi Suzumiya.
Haruhi, how does one describe her? The problem isn't in thinking of some obvious trait to help you understand her- it's trying to choose which of her many obvious traits I can leave out for brevity, yet still have some hope that you'll understand her. She's athletic, insane, forceful, moody, easily bored, and president of the SOS Brigade - the "Spreading Excitement All Over the World with Haruhi Suzumiya Brigade." I never could convince her to shorten the name, so I just changed it for the student council club application forms.
I also had to change the purpose of the club for the forms. The real purpose of the Brigade is to search for aliens, time travelers, and espers. (What's an esper? Think of a person with mysterious mental powers.) At first, I thought this a ridiculous and immature project, but, well, somehow we ended up finding some.
This isn't to say Haruhi ended up finding them. That's probably for the best- I'm not sure quite what she'd do if she actually found any aliens, time travelers, or espers. What happened is that she recruited, or perhaps I should say press-ganged, the entire membership of the Brigade, including me. It turns out that every member except me is, in fact, an alien, a time traveler, or an esper. They claim that Haruhi unconsciously arranged this. Maybe that's giving Haruhi too much credit, but it is an eerie coincidence. Anyhow, they only revealed their extraordinary identities to me, not to Haruhi. Again, that's probably for the best- Haruhi puts us through quite enough as it is.
"Come on, Kyon! I want to get this book report done already!"
That was what Haruhi said when talking to me while dragging me to the National Library. I suppose she thinks that dragging me by the hand, or even necktie, will get us to the place where we're going faster, but really it just makes me want to dig in my heels, like I had been doing for the past few moments.
"If you wanted to get it done quickly, you could've asked Nagato for a book," I pointed out reasonably. Yuki Nagato, you see, is another member of the Brigade. She's always reading, and she's-
"But this is the National Library, Kyon!" Haruhi insisted, her pace not slackening for a moment. "This is the only place with enough books for me to research alien encounters!"
There wasn't any point in arguing further, so I just followed along obediently, noting idly that her brown ponytail was being stirred by the wind.
The National Library was suitably impressive, a huge building with a large stone facade, but Haruhi's relentless pace didn't allow us to appreciate the architecture.
A few moments later, we were standing before the front desk of the library. I had been inconspicuously turned loose, and I stood at Haruhi's side as she politely asked the librarian on duty where the books on alien encounters and abductions were. The librarian didn't bat an eye- I guess he had heard it all in his day - and told us they were on the second floor, and told us which section to look in. Haruhi and I thanked him formally.
Haruhi and I are now heading up the stairs and- wait, where has Haruhi gone? Oh, she's a few steps below me. Uh oh. I think I know that look. Her head is down, her mouth is in a straight line, and her eyes are strangely resigned.
"Haruhi?" I asked, pausing on the step and turning, "I thought we were in a hurry."
She sighed as she continued climbing slowly. "Whatever books we find, they won't really matter. Probably it'll just be more rehashing of the same fake-sounding evidence. They don't even bother to have the people who supposedly met the aliens write their own accounts! Why hasn't anyone who's met an alien ever written a book?"
I actually gave that question some serious thought, and suggested, "Maybe they don't know how to explain it to anyone else."
"Once the SOS Brigade finds an alien," Haruhi determined, "we'll make sure to write a book."
We had finally reached the second story, and I was about to go on, but Haruhi paused by a side hallway and read the sign on the hall's single door. It read, 'Important Documents Reference Room.'
"I wonder what's in there?" Haruhi asked aloud.
"Probably tax records," I replied disinterestedly, turning away to continue to the other shelves.
She sighed through gritted teeth and grabbed my tie and started dragging, insisting, "Come on."
The door opened easily onto a muffled and shadowed room filled with shelves tightly packed with books and scrolls. It smelled like old paper, but in a pleasant way. I guessed the collection must be well-maintained.
Of course, if that was the case, why were we the only ones in there? The titles on the shelves seemed to be old and probably valuable documents. Why was the door unlocked? Maybe someone would be back in a moment.
"This doesn't really look like the sort of place we're allowed to be in," I cautioned Haruhi, "and I don't think these books have anything to do with aliens, time travelers, or espers."
As usual, Haruhi was ignoring anything I said that contradicted what she felt like doing. She took a book off the shelf, apparently at random, and flipped it open to the middle.
"You read books from the middle?" I muttered to myself.
"Look at this, Kyon!" she exclaimed, holding the book out to me. I stepped closer and looked at it. The writing on the page looked Chinese to me, and I was having difficulty with it, but the illustration was probably what had caught Haruhi's interest. It was a skillful ink line drawing showing a young Chinese man accompanied by a young Chinese woman. They were surrounded by a horde of children who were clinging to them. Nearby was standing an old man.
What about this picture had caught her eye? That Haruhi might have a maternal instinct had never occurred to me.
"What am I supposed to be seeing?" I asked cautiously.
She shrugged and started flipping through the book, probably to find another illustration. "I just thought the illustrations were pretty," she replied.
Surprising as it may seem, sometimes she does say sensible things.
I stepped back, set down my satchel by my feet, and started browsing the shelves a few meters away, trying to figure out what sort of collection this was and what purpose it served.
What the-? I just heard something like a giant bird, and now there's a red light streaming out of the book Haruhi's holding!
"Kyon!" Haruhi exclaimed, her eyes alighting, "maybe we've activated some sort of alien signaling device in the book and they're going to transport us now! Remember, as President of the SOS Brigade, I speak to them first!"
The light had become very strong, so I closed my eyes and agreed, "I'm not about to forget." While I said that, my stomach lurched, like it does in an airplane dropping through turbulence. After I said that, I choked on a mouthful of windblown sand.
Windblown sand? How did that get here? And why could I feel the sun right outside my eyelids, and beating down oppressively on all my body?
I opened my eyes slightly and squinted around me, still used to the dark reference room. That didn't seem to be where I was, however. After a few moments of squinting, it appeared I was in the midst of a bleak desert, broken up by a few blackened trees.
This situation wasn't actually as startling for me as it might have been, because this sort of thing has happened to me before. You see, whenever Haruhi gets depressed, she unconsciously creates something called an "enclosed space"- another dimension bubbling up inside ours. I'm not sure of all the details myself, but different rules apply there, and it can be very difficult to get out, at least if you're an ordinary guy like me. Unfortunately, there are some things that get more comfortable the more you do them, and some things that get more nerve-wracking, and dimensional travel is definitely the latter.
I was a bit confused, though- Haruhi hadn't seemed that sad to me. In fact, she had been interested, for the moment, in looking at the book. Why had an enclosed space formed now?
"Kyon!" Haruhi exclaimed, "your clothes have changed!" She was standing a few feet away with her hand shading her eyes, staring at me and our surroundings not in terror, but more like she probably did as a little girl when receiving a highly anticipated gift.
Now that she mentioned it, my clothes did feel funny and different. I was now wearing a navy blue shirt and long blue pants, both Chinese-style. A quick check confirmed that my school uniform was not being worn underneath these clothes- it had simply vanished. I wondered where my school uniform had gone. Had my old clothes transformed into these clothes, or had my uniform simply been vaporized? What was I going to be clad in if and when I ever got out of this enclosed space?
My eyes were getting more used to the light now. Haruhi's getup hadn't changed a bit- she was still wearing the light-blue skirt and white blouse that're part of the school uniform, and her brown hair was still in a ponytail with the same hairtie. Her red Brigade Chief armband was still tied around her left sleeve. She was still holding her school satchel.
A harsh laugh to my right distracted me. "What have we here?" the person who had laughed asked. "These two will fetch a very good price!"
There were only four guys to our right, although a whole army could've walked up without my noticing, thanks to the sudden change in light and surroundings I'd experienced. They were all well-dressed in Chinese style, but they looked rough. Apparently they were slavers, considering what they'd just said.
Wait a minute- what are other people doing here? Haruhi's enclosed spaces are deserted of all human and animal life. It's unusual enough for Haruhi herself to be present in one. Usually only espers, or people assisted by espers, can enter one. Were these slavers espers? Maybe only one of them was. Even one esper could be dangerous, though.
Great. As though the odds weren't already bad enough against us.
"My name is Haruhi Suzumiya, president of the SOS Brigade!" Haruhi said enthusiastically, with an exaggerated gesture pointing to herself. "We're the ones who activated your signaling device! Please excuse our intrusion onto your starship!" She bowed a moment, then snapped back upright, her eyes twinkling as she inquired, "What name does your species go by? What sort of disguise technology are you using right now to appear human?"
The four looked at each other for a moment, then the biggest one shrugged and told the others, "If we gag her, no one will know she's crazy. We'll take them."
Well, I guess that's about it. Haruhi has a nasty flying kick, and I suppose I'm not entirely bereft of athletic ability, but two against four generally doesn't work out too well.
There's only one guy coming after me, and slowly enough that I feel somewhat insulted. I suppose I ought to put up some sort of token resistance, just to salvage some dignity.
I only meant to punch the guy in the stomach, and for some reason it actually worked, but somehow, while I was punching him, I suddenly knew that next I could bring my other arm up stiffly into his throat and incapacitate him for a while. That actually worked too, and before I quite realized what was happening, the guy was on the ground, gasping for breath.
But I had bigger things to worry about now. The other three were almost on top of Haruhi. I was running towards them, and found that I was going a lot faster than I'm used to. Haruhi looked as surprised as I was.
I kicked out one of the ankles of one of the guys, making him trip into the other, and they both fell down. If I didn't know any better, I'd say I had planned that. I guess I had wanted something like that to happen, but when did I learn to kick well enough to accomplish it?
In any case, I raised my other leg and did a snap kick at the last opponent, the big guy. I hit the side of his abdomen as he ran past, and he sprawled in the dirt. It's really hard to hit a moving target, so I'm not quite sure how that happened. Beginner's luck?
I swiveled as I heard the two guys on my right getting up again, but they took one look at me and ran away. This reminded me of the guy who'd been after me, and I saw him several meters away, crawling as fast as he could. The big guy rolled as far from us as he could, then struggled to his feet and hobbled off.
I didn't think I was that imposing. What was going on?
"Kyon!" Haruhi exclaimed, flinging her arm wide to encompass an area large enough for her emotions, "that was amazing!"
Then she put her arms akimbo, leaned forward and glared at me as she asked, "Just when were you planning on telling me that you're an alien?"
I blinked at her. The one thing everyone in the Brigade agreed upon was that I was ordinary, with no special powers or weird heritage; just a plain, normal, human. "Haruhi, I'm not an alien."
"Mm-hm," Haruhi harrumphed, then straightened and pointed accusingly at my face, "Then how do you explain that?"
I waited a beat, but nothing more reasonable was proceeding from Haruhi, so I said slowly, "Haruhi, it's just my face. I've had it for a long time."
"You haven't had that on your forehead before!" She folded her arms and smirked triumphantly. "Your secret has been revealed at last," she informed me smugly. "So tell me your homeworld, Kyon, if that's your real name."
"What's on my forehead, what does it look like?" I asked. I tried probing at my forehead gingerly with my fingertips, but I couldn't feel anything.
She got a compact out of her satchel. I hadn't realized she wore makeup. She stepped nearer and angled the compact towards me, ordering me, "Take your hands out of the way."
Blazing in red on my forehead was the Chinese character for "ogre". I took an involuntary step back, then poked at my forehead again, but still felt nothing. The character slowly faded away until my forehead returned to normal.
"So, where's your mother ship?" Haruhi asked. "Or were you born on Earth, part of a colony of aliens sent to study humans? Or maybe you're an esper?"
"Haruhi, I'm just a normal human. I think that book did this to me when it sent us here," I guessed.
"What kind of an explanation is that?" she pouted.
"Whatever the case, I'm just a normal human. Or, at least, that's what I used to be," I amended. After all, I wasn't really able to convince myself that I was normal after finding a blazing red Chinese character on my forehead, and proficiently using martial arts moves which I'd never studied.
Thirst and hunger were now starting to loom large in my mind. Being in a desert and fighting off slavers will do that to you. There was a dirt road nearby, I could see now, and I decided to try to follow it to a town, or at least an inn.
You see, I'm no longer convinced that we are in an enclosed space, or if it is, that it's like the others. I think those slavers lived here. Ordinarily, espers are the only ones who can enter enclosed spaces, so I had thought one or more of the slavers were espers. But since ordinary people don't exist in enclosed spaces and can't enter them, there'd be no one in an enclosed space for an esper to enslave, so there'd be no point to taking slaving up as a career, like the four men we met had.
Apparently we're in some other dimension altogether, where apparently we'll meet lots of normal people. I wonder if we'll meet any people like me- or like what I've become?