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The Lair of Dragonwiles
fanfictions both comedic and serious
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Draft of Act I
Originally the epilogue was conceived as being in the form of a play's script, and this concept was further modified to mock certain conventions of scripts, such as writing certain, apparently random, words in all capital letters. It was later disovered that Fanfiction.net discocurages script format and so the entries were later revised to be in normal story format. Certain mistakes were elminated and certain lines revised for clarity.
You are now presented with the original version of the epilogue.
In which the author abandons his good sense and heretofore coherent style
And Puts Himself In the story instead of sticking to Third Person Omniscient
Scene: Aerial view of LOKI. The HABITAT is visible on the HORIZON just BEHIND a CLIFF. Pan in tight shot to 3/4 measure on a downbeat and oh whatever. We're on Loki, okay!
In the habitat:
Plath: "All right, who's going to go mine some ice today?"
Plath (annoyed): "What is this, kindergarden? You gather the ice, you put the ice in the machine, and you get to drink the water you need to survive! If you don't help gather the ice, then you don't get to-"
Irritated Person: "All right! Just stop that horrible screeching." (Irritated Person goes to airlock and begins to pull on a spacesuit.)
Plath: "Screeching? Who's screeching?" (Plath goes on and on while everyone in the habitat attempts to ignore her.)
Scene: The Sanada residence. It has BEEN DECORATED for a PARTY. MOST of the cast is SITTING AROUND in the living ROOM. No one is QUITE sure why some words are in ALL caps.
Dr. Sanada: "Let's begin this Epilogue."
Mitsuki S. : "We ended the main story inconclusively again?"
Yayoi: "Apparently so. But that can be a good thing. After all, now people are free to use their imaginations to create their own ending, the one that would please them best."
Mitsuki S. : "But once again, we didn't address the main question: who gets Kazuki?"
Mrs. Nanjyoin: "Well, why don't we let that be part of what the readers imagine?"
Mitsuki S. : "I'm not going to leave Kazuki up to them. We've got to get this settled."
Kazuki: "Stop talking about me like I'm not in the room! Why don't I decide myself?"
(The bodyguard trio enters the room.)
Mitsuki R.: "Where's my sister and her husband? They won't want to miss this."
(Mits enters the room.)
Mits: "We're very sorry for making you all wait. Kent's going to be a little longer. He's trying to reverse some weird charges on our credit card. Something about four orders from a floral shop."
(Kazuki glares at the bodyguard trio. Bodyguard trio guiltily glares at each other.)
Alice (whispers defensively): "I ordered them in Kazuki's name! I knew we shouldn't have used that shop, they're always getting things wrong."
Mena (whispers back): "You mixed up yours and Ms. Mitsuki's purses again, didn't you?"
Alice (still whispering defensively): "They look very alike! And no one ever checks the name on a credit card when they assume it's theirs!"
Scene: The front WALK of the SANADA home. Okay, I guess the all-caps joke is getting old now. Assuming it was ever funny to begin with.
Kent Slade (catches sight of Stetson, Hino, and Takei): "Hey! How have you all been doing!"
(All together): "Just fine!"
Hino: "What is this, an otaku character convention?"
(all four of them laugh)
Stetson (addresses camera): "I suppose I should explain for our viewers at home that an otaku character is one that a fan made up for a fanfiction, rather than one that already existed within the official work."
Slade (whispers): "Who is he talking to?"
Takei (shrugs): "He likes to pretend he's on television sometimes."
(Stetson returns to the group)
Slade: "Well, I know you guys were handling security at the spaceship launch site, but I've been so busy making the spaceship I haven't heard what else you've been up to!"
Takei: "Ever since all the universes came together, we decided to pool all of our security knowledge and make an enterprise out of it. We became private security contractors, and Dr. Rara was nice enough to give us a lot of his business. That's why we were chosen to head up security at the launch site."
Hino (apologetically): "Look, Slade, no hard feelings about taking you prisoner back in Chapter 6 of RaRa Army, right?"
Slade: "None at all. I mean, in the long run, it was good for me. I mean, the Author couldn't figure out any other way to get me into the pilot seat of a robot, and piloting can be pretty fun. And, I never got to tell you this, all that time in the tent I was thinking, 'If I were Hino, I wouldn't believe a word I was saying.'"
(they shake hands)
Slade: "Well, I guess we better get on over to the house. The party's gonna be starting soon."
Scene: The Sanada house. Takei, Hino, and Stetson are starting on the buffet prepared for the party. Slade has joined the others in the living room.
Dr. Warai: "We started without you Slade, hope you don't mind."
Slade (mock anger): "You're just trying to make me late again." (calmly) "So, what'd I miss?"
D: "We were waiting on you: we're going to decide who gets Kazuki!"
Slade (laughs): "Wouldn't have missed that for the world!"
Ayuko: "I haven't been able to shake the feeling, Slade, that you're just wish fulfillment for the author."
Dr. Hayase: "Wish fulfillment?"
Dr. Sanada: "Oh, I get what you mean. Like how he gets to pilot robots and marries Mitsuki Rara and stuff."
Dr. Warai: "A twin sister of Mitsuki Rara."
Dr. Rara: "I'll never remember why we named both of the twins Mitsuki Rara. That was one confusing childhood for them and us. I'd call, 'Mitsuki,' and three people would show up."
Dr. Warai: "Three?"
Mitsuki Sanada: "I'd come running because Uncle Rara never bothered to say whether he wanted me or my cousins!"
Mitsuki R.: "We were never sure either, it was easier for both of us to come."
Slade: "If it is wish fulfillment, I'm not complaining! It worked out for me! I married a nice girl, got to have one story where I was the protagonist, had an epic battle with the good guy, and even after giving him some solid blows, got the enemy conversion treatment so we're best buddies now! Not every character has wish fulfillment work out like that for them."
Yayoi: "True. Some authors use a fanfiction to kill the characters they don't like. You were very fortunate indeed."
Mitsuki S: "That reminds me, that author was being pretty pushy, making my death the beginning of the series."
Ayuko: "I agree. On the one hand, our tragic deaths were rather touching, but on the other hand, it seemed to be expressing a wish that we were both dead."
Author (unseen, in a thunderous voice): "Now that's a distortion! I just had that in there so we wouldn't have too many Mitsukis and to give Slade a different entry into the world of robots than what Kazuki had! You were always alive in the synthesis world, weren't you? If I hated you, I would have killed you off there too. I mentioned your continued existence in the author's note, and I even started off the interlude immediately following the news of your death with proof that you were both still alive!"
Dr. Warai: "Yeah, but there was another way the same effects could've been done, right?"
Author (unseen, in a thunderous and petulant voice): "Write your own fanfiction then, Mr. Smartypants!"
Dr. Warai: "Not only was that incredibly childish and a failure to answer my question, it was also incredibly dated slang to boot. I'm glad you didn't using anything like that in the actual story, you know?"
Author (unseen, snickers in a thunderous voice)
Dr. Warai: "That is unfair! You used your creative license to add dated and overused slang to the end of my sentence! Gee whiz!"
Author (unseen, laughs heartily in a thunderous voice)
Dr. Warai: "Cut that out!"
Author (unseen, laughs maniacally and thunderously)
(The jewelry store manager enters, with the hapless jewelry store saleswoman in tow. The saleswoman would rather not be anywhere near Ayuko, while the manager only wants to get close to her.)
Manager (fawning over Ayuko): "I wonder why it is that Mitsuki Rara always is the love interest? For Slade and for Kazuki?"
Yayoi (stiffly): "There are other candidates for Kazuki's love interests."
D (brightly): "Lots of them!"
Akane: "Who are you two, and what are you doing in our house?"
Saleswoman (pointing to manager): "I'm not with her!"
(The saleswoman quickly flees to the buffet)
Manager: "I just heard that there was going to be a big party for the whole cast of the fanfiction here, and I just knew I had to be here to help Mrs. Rara in any way possible." (unctuously) "I'm not surprised the boys always like your daughter-"
Yayoi: "They like some other women too-"
(Kumu stirs herself from D's lap and walks over to Mitsuki Rara)
Kumu: "Why is it that you betrayed your poor mother and myself? Why do the guys always like you and not me? Kazuki Yotsuga destroyed the parallel world. Men are evil, they are so destructive. They're the enemy, the enemy, the enemy, the enemy, the enemy..."
Ryla: "Didn't we do this gag already?"
(Indeed we did, back when Ayuko and Kumu were discussing whether to make Slade a pilot. The Author just wanted to do it again!)
Kazuki: "Hey, wait a minute, Kumu's a dog now! How are we understanding her talk?"
Kumu (barks back): "...the enemy, the enemy, the enemy..."
Dr. Warai: "None of what Kumu just said, or any part of this epilogue, makes any sense, which makes it the perfect end to the fanfiction. Like, totally!"
(Dr. Warai claps his hand to his mouth, aggravated, while the Author, unseen, laughs.)
Kumu: "...the enemy, the enemy..."
Kazuki: "Kumu, why do you keep biting me, but you've always liked Kent?"
Slade: "Yeah, I've wondered about that too."
Kumu: "...the enemy, the enemy..."
(The doorbell rings. Kumu, frustrated, leaves the room. D answers the door and is surprised to see Mr. Kamikochi and his mother. Mr. Kamikochi smiles.)
Kamikochi's Mom: "Why, darling, you're adorable! Are you Ms. Schwael's little sister?"
D: "No, ma'am. I suppose you are both here for the epilogue party?"
Kamikochi's Mom: "That is indeed why we've come. Oh, you're so precious, your mother must be so proud of you." (She and her son accompany D inside.) "I know I'm certainly proud of my son here. He's simply a master of all sorts of sports. Why hello, Ms. Schwael, Mrs. Nanjyoin, Cmdr. Sanada!"
(They reach the living room. Yayoi is worried but tries to keep a neutral expression. Mrs. Nanjyoin is surprised but pleased. There is an interminable round of introductions. Kamikochi's mother and he himself sit down.)
Mrs. Nanjyoin: "I'm sure we're all very glad that you could make it to the epilogue."
Yayoi: "It must've been hard finding a nearby airstrip for your jet."
Kamikochi's Mom: "Oh yes, it was. My son always says the Internet is a wonderful thing, but it was a little bit hard to land our private jet on the fanfiction here. I'm telling you, I'll just never get used to flying by instruments!"
(She laughs heartily. To cover Ayuko's condescending snicker, Mrs. Nanjyoin, Mitsuki Sanada, and Yayoi suddenly burst into gales of laughter. Everyone in the room, except Kamikochi, looks in shock at Mrs. Nanjyoin not being totally composed. Sunlight reflects off of Kamikochi's teeth, still visible because he hasn't ceased grinning since the door.)
Kamikochi's Mom: "Of course, my son does know where to buy the best jets, and we made it here in one piece, as you can see." (turns to Yayoi) "You know dear, my son still hasn't found anyone, and is still very interested in-"
(Kumu chooses this moment to walk into the room)
Kumu: "The forces of technology are of particular interest to me. I still cannot comprehend why D has abandoned them."
Kamikochi's Mom: "Did your dog just talk?"
Akane (helpfully and fully conscious of the ridiculousness of the situation): "She may just be barking intelligibly."
Kamikochi's Mom: "Barking intelligibly? You, you don't mean to say this dog is as smart as a human? How could that be possible?"
D: "Both of us actually were sleeping inside an artifact for many years. Kumu used to be a small red ball, and I used to be bioroid that didn't have human emotions."
Mitsuki S.: "That was all before Kazuki merged the worlds together for the first time."
(Kamikochi's mother blanches, while Kamikochi flops stiffly out of his seat, a smile still plastered on his face.)
Slade (panicked scream): "AAH! We've been talking to a dead body!"
Dr. Sanada: (aside) "This brings back so many memories." (to Kamikochi's Mom) "All right, I guess we'll do it like last time. I'll take the left side and, er, Rara, you take the right."
(The two men proceed to drag Kamikochi back to the limo, with Kamikochi's mother following them. Yayoi tries not to look relieved.)
D: "I think this means the party is going very well or very badly."
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