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The Lair of Dragonwiles
fanfictions both comedic and serious
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|Act I||Main||Chapters||Act III|
The party continues at the Sanada household.
The doorbell rings, and the population of the house remaining turns out to greet the newcomers.
Dr. Sanada says to the crowd, "This is quite a wonderful turnout we've got here! Thank you, all the wonderful sensor officers who staffed the Earth Defense Force war room and artifact carrier! I'm also very grateful to all of my other pilots and staff members who've turned out today!"
Dr. Rara addresses them all, "And thank you to all of my researchers from my island lab, and all of my RaRa Army staff who join us today!"
They sneak a peek at small cue cards to see if they've missed greeting anyone as the crowds cheer and file into the house, shuffling towards the buffet line.
Dr. Sanada continues to read the card, "I'm also proud to have with us my fellow faculty at the, er, whatever college it is I work at!" The crowd confusedly cheers.
Kazuki, falsely cheerful, gives his part of the address, "I'd like to," a sigh escapes, "welcome my classmates from school, including our very own United Team Alliance!"
The United Team Alliance hoots in approval and resumes fixedly staring at Mitsuki Sanada. She is pointedly staring at Kazuki.
Dr. Rara stares at his card and comments incredulously, "For some reason, we invited the construction workers of Kajishima Construction, whom I can't recall ever hearing of in my life."
Akane loudly tries to cover up the doctor's gaffe, "Why remember, they're the ones who unearthed the artifact in the first place."
The construction workers roar happily.
Akane addresses the crowd again, saying, "My gratitude goes out to the nameless men in black who did my bidding back when I was an Inspector."
The Men in Black mutter in ear communicators to each other, "Just don't say our only role was to take away Mitsuki Rara and we'll be happy."
Mrs. Nanjyoin now says to all gathered, "I'd also like to thank all of the loyal workers, crew members, contractors, and scientists, who helped us journey to Loki and back."
There is a round of applause, and everyone goes indoors.
In the buffet line, a professor from the college where Dr. Sanada works looks about quickly every few seconds. He tries to keep as much distance as he can from Ayuko, recalling that the last time he met her, all the way back in Interlude 10, she nearly bored him to tears with talk about fashion.
Kazuki says in an aside, "Oh no." He has encountered his friends Izawa and Shiozaki, clearly scanning the room looking for Mitsuki Sanada.
Izawa fervently tells him, "You can't keep us out this time, Kazuki!"
Shiozaki zealously adds to this, "Not even the Author can throw some horrible circumstance at us to keep us away from her! Every single cast member of Dual and the fanfiction in general has to make at least one appearance here! The Author decided that, and the Author has to stick to the rules!"
Kazuki reminds them nervously, "Uh, well, the treacherous crew people show up too, but they aren't in the house. I don't know if you guys can count on that rule."
On Loki, Plath decides, "We'll just have our own party! Start a conga line!" No one moves, but she begins to dance and sings wretchedly to a bizarre tune. "Ice, ice, ice, ice, you haven't won yet, Akane!"
Izawa is befuddled. "What just happened?"
Kazuki informs them, "It was just a quick scene change. The Author's trying to be sophisticated. I usually try to ignore that sort of thing." Slade joins their group. D is in another part of the room, giggling with her friends Yoshiko and Michiko.
The United Team Alliance is standing still, holding up buffet line across the room, announcing, "We'll pay good money for whatever food Mitsuki Sanada cooked!"
Narayanan joins Izawa, Kazuki, Slade, Shiozaki and tells them, "The part I'm looking forward to is meeting the Author."
Slade is effusive: "Narayanan! Glad you could make it!" He introduces Narayanan to the group.
Shiozaki asks, "Has anyone seen your cousin, Kazuki? I can't see her in all this crowd."
Izawa complains, "Neither can I."
Kazuki asks, "Narayanan, did you say something about meeting the Author?"
Narayanan replies, "Meeting the Author, yes, I did say that. Well, I understand that part of the rules for this epilogue indicate that the Author is going to make a personal appearance at this party."
Slade jokes, "I should hope he'll skip the one on Loki!" There is general laughter.
Izawa, in an aside to Shiozaki, complains, "Man, nothing is fair in life. Kazuki gets all the girls, and otaku characters get to hear all the good information before we do. We've been here since the first episode!"
Shiozaki, in an aside to Izawa, suggests, "Yeah, but maybe we can beg the Author to let us go on a dream date with Ms. Sanada!"
They gasp in excitement. The noise catches the attention of a florist, who begins to glare at them. They assaulted him in Pioneers Chapter 2 as part of an insane attempt to deliver flowers to Mitsuki Sanada. Shiozaki and Izawa notice him and make a hasty exit. This leaves Slade and Narayanan free to greet Dr. Choi Hae-rim, also known as Naoko Yoshi and compliment her for her work on the shuttles used in the exploration of Loki.
Yoshi appreciates their praise, "Thank you very much. I was hoping the shuttles would perform as the stress tests indicated."
Slade says firmly, "Even better. I've never seen a space vehicle maneuver that well in atmosphere."
Yoshi smiles, "I'm so glad. All of the crew has returned safely, and we even get one last chance to wear formal attire before the end!"
They are soon joined by Will Lewis, fellow foreign graduate student, otaku character, and fellow veteran of RaRa Army's Chapter 1. All of them proceed to reminisce for a time.
Some hours later, everyone has returned to the living room. The crowd is so huge that there is standing room only.
Dr. Sanada tells everyone, "Thank you all once again for coming to the epilogue. I'm sure you'll all enjoy this special treat: today, we hope to decide which woman Kazuki ends up with!"
Crowd applauds, as does the Audience reading the fanfiction. Well, okay, the Audience doesn't have to. But they should. Hmph.
Kazuki complains, "Uncle Sanada!"
The United Team Alliance suggests forcefully, "Maybe we should decide what happens to Ms. Sanada first!"
Akane, uncomfortably hemmed in, suggests, "Maybe we should all go outside. It's crowded here."
A nondescript person is noticed within their midst, whom no one recalls ever seeing before, or even entering the door.
Dr. Sanada greets the person confusedly, "Hello, I don't believe we've had the pleasure of making your acquaintance before."
The Nondescript Person acknowledges this, "Quite so. I am the Author."
There are gasps and whispers.
The Author continues, "Yes, and, well, let's take care of first things first. Does anyone have a question they want to ask me?"
Ayuko immediately asks, "I'd like to ask the Author a question about RaRa Army and Advent. Author, are you sure you got Ms. Rah's dialogue right? It seems different from what I recall."
The Author answers, "Well, I did want to avoid any copyright issues."
Everyone stares in puzzlement at him.
The Author uncertainly states, "But, it isn't the same? Are you sure? Uh, I think I thought it was the same."
Ayuko accuses, "You don't remember her lines, do you!"
The Author retorts, "I do too! Mostly."
Some people begin to titter and snicker.
The Author continues, "Well, now it's my turn to ask a question. I'd like to ask a question of Staff Officer Shibata, the strategist for Kazuki's first battle as an official pilot of the Earth Defense Force."
The Author whips out personal copies of Ultimate Fan Guide and Dual DVD Volume 1 as the crowd makes way for Shibata to come towards Author.
The Author asks, "Staff Officer Shibata, there's something we'd all like to ask you. Your biography indicates you're a real soldier, and you've had recent combat experience. Where did you get it?"
Shibata tells him, "I was a mercenary for a foreign country for a while."
Ayuko is suspicious. "You're making that up, aren't you."
The Author clarifies, "Technically I'm the person making that up."
D, reading Fan Guide over his shoulder, contends, "No, he got that out of here."
The Author overelaborates, "I mean, I'm the one making the reality, within this fanfiction in particular and nowhere else, that conforms to the idea I got from the book: that he was a mercenary. Hence, I'm making it up. Moving right along, Officer Shibata, just why do you like front-line action so much?"
Shibata straightforwardly asks the Author, "Why do you like typing derivative nonsense?"
The Author responds immediately and undefensively, "Because it's fun."
Shibata, in the same manner, informs him: "That's why I do it."
The Author queries, "Staff Officer Shibata, your bio says that you're married?"
Shibata tells him, "Yes, to a wonderful woman."
The Author grandly announces, "Staff Officer Shibata, this is your wife! No, no, no, I mean, this is your life!"
There is a drum roll, nobody can see any drums though they look in consternation for them, and Staff Officer Shibata's wife enters the room.
Akane whispers to Dr. Sanada, "The Author's never watched This Is Your Life, has he?"
Dr. Sanada whispers back, "No. He has no idea what he's doing. In that show or in the Dual show."
The doorbell rings, Mitsuki Sanada answers it. A middle-aged man and woman run past her, through the crowd, and to either side of Kazuki's chair. The Kajishima Construction workers cheer.
Dr. Hayase wonders, "Kazuki, do you know them?"
Masaki Yotsuga, the man, gruffly tells the room, "Of course he does, we're his parents! Masaki and Atsuko Yotsuga!"
Atsuko Yotsuga, the woman, hugs Kazuki and says, "Oh Kazuki, it's so good to see you again after being away on business for a whole decade!"
Kazuki happily greets them, "Wow, hi, Mom, Dad!"
The Author adds, "Ah, yes, and this is his life!"
Masaki waves to cheering Kajishima Construction workers and says, "Oh, thanks boys, you still remember me!"
The Author now asks him, "Mr. Masaki Yotsuga, I have a question for you. Were you the one who first found the artifact in the first few minutes of the series?"
Masaki gruffly and as though this is obvious, says, "Uh, yeah."
Atsuko also can't believe the Author is uncertain on this point. "The construction foreman called him by name, Yotsuga."
The Author quickly says, "Just double checking. I've always thought that was the case, but they didn't say a first name, and, oh, well." The Author suddenly becomes very absorbed in his Fan Guide.
Masaki comments in wonder, "Wow, I actually get a bit of a speaking part. I haven't had one since the second episode! This seems like a great time to announce that when we have to return to our overseas jobs, we'd like Kazuki to come with us!"
Mitsuki Sanada, Mitsuki Rara, D, and Yayoi shout in terror, "No!"
Masaki is astonished. "You mean we don't get to take our own son with us?"
The Author coughs in embarrassment, then decides to be the one to tell him. "Well, you see, it's not really anything you've done, like abandon him for a decade while you worked overseas, that's the problem here. It's just that if you do take him, you'll kind of break the story. I mean, you're kind of a no-nonsense guy, as far as I can tell, and these people kinda generate nonsense. So you wouldn't put up with most of the goings-on around here, and that would mean no more story. I'm afraid the audience isn't going to allow you to take him back unless everyone else can visit him as much as they want and be as silly as they want."
The Audience applauds.
Atsuko insists, "Like you said, though, we did leave Kazuki with his uncle for roughly ten years. We don't want to impose on Dr. Sanada any more. Hm."
Masaki gruffly puts out, "What, dear?"
Atsuko asks, "Honey, can you remember if Dr. Sanada is your brother or mine?"
Kazuki is confused, "I didn't think either of you was related to Uncle Sanada; I thought Aunt Akane was your sister, Mom."
Akane reminds them, "No, I'm Ayuko's sister."
Ayuko ponders, "Maybe you're also the sister of Atsuko. That means that I now have two little sisters."
Yayoi posits, "By my reckoning, in this new world, Kazuki, all the Mitsukis, and D, are cousins."
Atsuko lays out the problem: "Dr. Sanada is Kazuki's uncle, so either I or Masaki is related to either Dr. Sanada or Akane. Or maybe Masaki or I is the sibling of Ayuko or Dr. Rara. But which is it?"
Everyone looks at each other blankly. Nobody actually knows.
Akane says in resignation, "It's nice that we're all together, but all of these new family relations are a bit inconvenient and strange."
Mits disagrees kindly, "I don't think so."
Mitsuki Rara says, "Yes, it's nice to have a sister,"
Mits agrees, "especially a twin."
Mitsuki Rara and Mits say together, "We can finish each other's sentences!"
Slade claps in appreciation.
Mitsuki Sanada says slyly, "Kazuki probably forgot to define exactly how we were supposed to all be related, and got it all mixed up."
Kazuki, stung by the injustice of this remark, retorts, "Hey, how was that my responsibility? I didn't make this place alone, you know."
D realizes, "I just thought of something! Now Zinv's my cousin!"
Masaki is at a loss for words, "Huh?"
D elaborates, "Well, Zinv is Kazuki, and Kazuki is my cousin, so now Zinv is my cousin!"
Dr. Sanada amiably tells Kazuki, "I've always wanted to have a giant robot for a nephew. Especially one I could perform experiments on."
Dr. Rara smirks, "Yep. Too bad you still need my lab to do experiments!" He laughs at Dr. Sanada.
Slade breaks into what might be a quarrel, "Say, this means that all three Mitsukis are the nieces of Mrs. Atsuko Yotsuga."
Atsuko surprised, thinks, then responds, "Why, that's so. I have always wanted good nieces."
Yayoi continues the thought "Yes, and that makes Slade and Kazuki cousins in law."
Slade comprehends, "So now Dr. Sanada's my uncle too."
Dr. Sanada excitedly comments "I never expected when I offered you a part-time job that you'd end up as my nephew! This is just great!"
Akane and Ayuko stare at each other uneasily.
Ayuko comments without enthusiasm, "Just wonderful, isn't it, little sister?"
Akane resignedly replies, "Just so, big sister."
Masaki is getting fed up with this, and finding it hard to follow or care. "So, are both of you my older sisters or not? I was hoping for some certainty here. Surely it's not that hard to find out."
Dr. Rara realizes excitedly, "Of course not! All we need are some comprehensive blood tests!"
Dr. Sanada waves in his enthusiasm, nearly hitting several crowded-in people, "Yes! We'll begin by identifying all of his chromosomes, and then- oh, wait! We need to analyze Masaki's, Atsuko's, well, actually all of us! All of our physical, astral, and mental patterns, over a period of two weeks of immobility!"
Masaki mutters, "Thanks, brother-in-law, or whatever you are."
Dr. Rara also waves, "In fact, we ought to re-analyze each of us to see if synthesizing these new worlds has altered our patterns in any way! Then we'll begin getting statistical samples from the global population-"
Mrs. Nanjyoin asks calmly, "How will we do all that when we're exploring outer space?"
Atsuko peers at Mrs. Nanjyoin inquisitively. "Are you related to us, by any chance?"
Mrs. Nanjyoin placidly informs her, "Not as far as I know. Quite a pity."
|Act I||Main||Chapters||Act III|