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The Lair of Dragonwiles
fanfictions both comedic and serious
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Draft of Act II
Originally the epilogue was conceived as being in the form of a play's script, and this concept was further modified to mock certain conventions of scripts, such as writing certain, apparently random, words in all capital letters. It was later disovered that Fanfiction.net discocurages script format and so the entries were later revised to be in normal story format. Certain mistakes were elminated and certain lines revised for clarity.
You are now presented with the original version of the epilogue.
Scene: The Sanada Household
(The doorbell rings, and the population of the house remaining turns out to greet the newcomers.)
Dr. Sanada: "This is quite a wonderful turnout we've got here! Thank you, all the wonderful sensor officers who staffed the Earth Defense Force war room and artifact carrier! I'm also very grateful to all of my other pilots and staff members who've turned out today!"
Dr. Rara: "And thank you to all of my researchers from my island lab, and all of my RaRa Army staff who join us today!"
(They sneak a peek at small cue cards to see if they've missed greeting anyone as the crowds cheer and file into the house, shuffling towards the buffet line)
Dr. Sanada: "I'm also proud to have with us my fellow faculty at the, er, whatever college it is I work at!" (crowd confusedly cheers)
Kazuki (falsely cheerful): "I'd like to," (sigh) "welcome my classmates from school, including our very own United Team Alliance!"
(United Team Alliance hoots in approval)
Dr. Rara (stares at his card): "For some reason, we invited the construction workers of Kajishima Construction, whom I can't recall ever hearing of in my life."
Akane (loudly): "Why remember, they're the ones who unearthed the artifact in the first place."
(Construction workers roar happily.)
Akane: "My gratitude goes out to the nameless men in black who did my bidding back when I was an Inspector."
Men in Black (mutter in ear communicators to each other): "Just don't say our only role was to take away Mitsuki Rara and we'll be happy."
Mrs. Nanjyoin: "I'd also like to thank all of the loyal workers, crew members, contractors, and scientists, who helped us journey to Loki and back."
(There is a round of applause.)
(In the buffet line, a professor from the college where Dr. Sanada works looks about quickly every few seconds. He tries to keep as much distance as he can from Ayuko, recalling that the last time he met her, she nearly bored him to tears with talk about fashion.)
Kazuki (aside): "Oh no." (He has encountered his friends Izawa and Shiozaki, clearly scanning the room looking for Mitsuki Sanada.)
Izawa (fervently): "You can't keep us out this time, Kazuki!"
Shiozaki (zealously): "Not even the Author can throw some horrible circumstance at us to keep us away from her! Every single cast member of Dual and the fanfiction in general has to make at least one appearance here! The Author decided that, and the Author has to stick to the rules!"
Kazuki: "Uh, well, the treacherous crew people show up too, but they aren't in the house. I don't know if you guys can count on that rule."
Scene: On Loki
Plath: "We'll just have our own party! Start a conga line!" (No one moves, but she begins to dance and sings wretchedly to a bizarre tune) "Ice, ice, ice, ice, you haven't won yet, Akane!"
Izawa (befuddled): "What just happened?"
Kazuki: "It was just a quick scene change. The Author's trying to be sophisticated. I usually try to ignore that sort of thing." (Slade joins their group. D is giggling with her friends Yoshiko and Michiko.)
United Team Alliance (standing still, holding up buffet line across the room): "We'll pay good money for whatever food Mitsuki Sanada cooked!"
Narayanan (joins Izawa, Kazuki, Slade, Shiozaki): "The part I'm looking forward to is meeting the Author."
Slade (effusive): "Narayanan! Glad you could make it!" (He introduces Narayanan to the group.)
Shiozaki: "Has anyone seen your cousin, Kazuki? I can't see her in all this crowd."
Izawa: "Neither can I."
Kazuki: "Narayanan, did you say something about meeting the Author?"
Narayanan: "Meeting the Author, yes, I did say that. Well, I understand that part of the rules for this epilogue indicate that the Author is going to make a personal appearance at this party."
Slade: "I should hope he'll skip the one on Loki!" (general laughter)
Izawa (aside to Shiozaki): "Man, nothing is fair in life. Kazuki gets all the girls, and otaku characters get to hear all the good information before we do. We've been here since the first episode!"
Shiozaki (aside to Izawa): "Yeah, but maybe we can beg the Author to let us go on a dream date with Ms. Sanada!"
(They gasp in excitement. The noise catches the attention of a florist, who begins to glare at them. They once assaulted him in an attempt to deliver flowers to Mitsuki Sanada. Shiozaki and Izawa notice him and make a hasty exit. This leaves Slade and Narayanan free to greet Dr. Choi Hae-rim, also known as Naoko Yoshi and compliment her for her work on the shuttles used in the exploration of Loki.)
Yoshi: "Thank you very much. I was hoping the shuttles would perform as the stress tests indicated."
Slade (firmly): "Even better. I've never seen a space vehicle maneuver that well in atmosphere."
Yoshi: "I'm so glad. All of the crew has returned safely, and we even get one last chance to wear formal attire before the end!"
(They are soon joined by Will Lewis, fellow foreign graduate student and otaku character. All of them proceed to reminisce for a time.)
Scene: Some hours later, everyone has returned to the living room. The crowd is so huge that there is standing room only.
Dr. Sanada: "Thank you all once again for coming to the epilogue. I'm sure you'll all enjoy this special treat: today, we hope to decide which woman Kazuki ends up with!"
(Crowd applauds, as does the Audience reading the fanfiction. Well, okay, the Audience doesn't have to. But they should. Hmph.)
Kazuki: "Uncle Sanada!"
United Team Alliance: "Maybe we should decide what happens to Ms. Sanada first!"
Akane: "Maybe we should all go outside. It's crowded here."
(A nondescript person is noticed within their midst, whom no one recalls ever seeing before, or even entering the door)
Dr. Sanada: "Hello, I don't believe we've had the pleasure of making your acquaintance before."
Nondescript Person: "Quite so. I am the Author."
(There are gasps and whispers)
Author: "Yes, and, well, let's take care of first things first. Does anyone have a question they want to ask me?"
Ayuko: "I'd like to ask the Author a question about RaRa Army and Advent. Author, are you sure you got Ms. Rah's dialogue right? It seems different from what I recall."
Author: "Well, I did want to avoid any copyright issues."
(everyone stares in puzzlement at him)
Author (uncertainly): "But, it isn't the same? Are you sure? Uh, I think I thought it was the same."
Ayuko: "You don't remember her lines, do you!"
Author: "I do too! Mostly."
(Some people begin to titter and snicker)
Author: "Well, now it's my turn to ask a question. I'd like to ask a question of Staff Officer Shibata, the strategist for Kazuki's first battle as an official pilot of the Earth Defense Force."
(Author whips out personal copies of Ultimate Fan Guide and Dual DVD Volume 1 as crowd makes way for Shibata to come towards Author)
Author: "Staff Officer Shibata, there's something we'd all like to ask you. Your biography indicates you're a real soldier, and you've had recent combat experience. Where did you get it?"
Shibata: "I was a mercenary for a foreign country for a while."
Ayuko: "You're making that up, aren't you."
Author: "Technically I'm the person making that up."
D (reading Fan Guide over his shoulder): "No, he got that out of here."
Author: "I mean, I'm the one making the reality, within this fanfiction in particular and nowhere else, that conforms to the idea I got from the book: that he was a mercenary. Hence, I'm making it up. Moving right along, Officer Shibata, just why do you like front-line action so much?"
Shibata: "Why do you like typing derivative nonsense?"
Author: "Because it's fun."
Shibata: "That's why I do it."
Author: "Staff Officer Shibata, your bio says that you're married?"
Shibata: "Yes, to a wonderful woman."
Author: "Staff Officer Shibata, this is your wife! No, no, no, I mean, this is your life!"
(There is a drum roll, nobody can see any drums though they look in consternation for them, and Staff Officer Shibata's wife enters the room)
Akane (whispers to Dr. Sanada): "The Author's never watched This Is Your Life, has he?"
Dr. Sanada (whispers back): "No. He has no idea what he's doing. In that show or in the Dual show."
(Doorbell rings, Mitsuki Sanada answers it. A middle-aged man and woman run past her, through the crowd, and to either side of Kazuki's chair. The Kajishima Construction workers cheer.)
Dr. Hayase: "Kazuki, do you know them?"
Masaki Yotsuga (the man): "Of course he does, we're his parents! Masaki and Atsuko Yotsuga!"
Atsuko Yotsuga (the woman): "Oh Kazuki, it's so good to see you again after being away on business for a whole decade!"
Kazuki: "Wow, hi, Mom, Dad!"
Author: "Ah, yes, and this is his life!"
Masaki (waves to cheering Kajishima Construction workers): "Oh, thanks boys, you still remember me!"
Author: "Mr. Masaki Yotsuga, I have a question for you. Were you the one who first found the artifact in the first few minutes of the series?"
Masaki: "Uh, yeah."
Atsuko: "The construction foreman called him by name, Yotsuga."
Author: "Just double checking. I've always thought that was the case, but they didn't say a first name, and, oh, well." (Author suddenly becomes very absorbed in his Fan Guide.)
Masaki: "Wow, I actually get a bit of a speaking part. I haven't had one since the second episode! This seems like a great time to announce that when we have to return to our overseas jobs, we'd like Kazuki to come with us!"
Mitsuki Sanada, Mitsuki Rara, D, and Yayoi (shout in terror): "No!"
Masaki: "You mean we don't get to take our own son with us?"
Author (coughs in embarrassment): "Well, you see, it's not really anything you've done, like abandon him for a decade while you worked overseas, that's the problem here. It's just that if you do take him, you'll kind of break the story. I mean, you're kind of a no-nonsense guy, as far as I can tell, and these people kinda generate nonsense. So you wouldn't put up with most of the goings-on around here, and that would mean no more story. I'm afraid the audience isn't going to allow you to take him back unless everyone else can visit him as much as they want and be as silly as they want."
Atsuko: "Like you said, though, we did leave Kazuki with his uncle for roughly ten years. We don't want to impose on Dr. Sanada any more. Hm."
Masaki: "What, dear?"
Atsuko: "Honey, can you remember if Dr. Sanada is your brother or mine?"
Kazuki: "I didn't think either of you was related to Uncle Sanada; I thought Aunt Akane was your sister, Mom."
Akane: "No, I'm Ayuko's sister."
Ayuko: "Maybe you're also the sister of Atsuko. That means that I now have two little sisters."
Yayoi: "By my reckoning, in this new world, Kazuki, all the Mitsukis, and D, are cousins."
Atsuko: "Dr. Sanada is Kazuki's uncle, so either I or Masaki is related to either Dr. Sanada or Akane. Or maybe Masaki or I is the sibling of Ayuko or Dr. Rara. But which is it?"
(Everyone looks at each other blankly. Nobody actually knows.)
Akane: "It's nice that we're all together, but all of these new family relations are a bit inconvenient and strange."
Mits: "I don't think so."
Mitsuki Rara: "Yes, it's nice to have a sister,"
Mits: "especially a twin."
Mitsuki Rara and Mits: "We can finish each other's sentences!"
Slade (claps in appreciation)
Mitsuki Sanada: "Kazuki probably forgot to define exactly how we were supposed to all be related, and got it all mixed up."
Kazuki: "Hey, how was that my responsibility? I didn't make this place alone, you know."
D: "I just thought of something! Now Zinv's my cousin!"
D: "Well, Zinv is Kazuki, and Kazuki is my cousin, so now Zinv is my cousin!"
Dr. Sanada (amiably): "I've always wanted to have a giant robot for a nephew. Especially one I could perform experiments on."
Dr. Rara: "Yep. Too bad you still need my lab to do experiments!" (laughs at Dr. Sanada)
Slade (breaks into what might be a quarrel): "Say, this means that all three Mitsukis are the nieces of Mrs. Atsuko Yotsuga."
Atsuko (surprised): "Why, that's so. I have always wanted good nieces."
Yayoi: "Yes, and that makes Slade and Kazuki cousins in law."
Slade: "So now Dr. Sanada's my uncle too."
Dr. Sanada (excitedly): "I never expected when I offered you a part-time job that you'd end up as my nephew! This is just great!"
(Akane and Ayuko stare at each other uneasily.)
Ayuko: "Just wonderful, isn't it, little sister?"
Akane (resignedly): "Just so, big sister."
Masaki: "So, are both of you my older sisters or not? I was hoping for some certainty here. Surely it's not that hard to find out."
Dr. Rara: "Of course not! All we need are some comprehensive blood tests!"
Dr. Sanada (stand in his enthusiasm): "Yes! We'll begin by identifying all of his chromosomes, and then- oh, wait! We need to analyze Masaki's, Atsuko's, well, actually all of us! All of our physical, astral, and mental patterns, over a period of two weeks of immobility!"
Masaki (mutters): "Thanks, brother-in-law, or whatever you are."
Dr. Rara (also stands): "In fact, we ought to re-analyze each of us to see if synthesizing these new worlds has altered our patterns in any way! Then we'll begin getting statistical samples from the global population-"
Mrs. Nanjyoin: "How will we do all that when we're exploring outer space?"
Atsuko (peers at Mrs. Nanjyoin inquisitively): "Are you related to us, by any chance?"
Mrs. Nanjyoin: "Not as far as I know. Quite a pity."
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